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54 reasons why its great to be a guy !!
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards). 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 27. You never have to clean a toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 34. You don't have to shave below your neck. 35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 36. You don't have to end up next to a hairy ass every night. 37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.) 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
40 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 5. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 6. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy. 7. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part. 8. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!" 9. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 16. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 17. Meow occasionally. 18. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 19. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 20. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 22. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 23. Leave a box between the doors. 24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 25. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 26. Start a sing-along. 27. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 28. Lean against the button panel. 29. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 30. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 31. Bring a chair along. 32. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 33. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 34. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 35. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 36. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 37. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 38. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!" 39. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament. 40. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
50 Things To Do In The Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song at the highest volume possible over and over again. 7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Stand on your chair and yell, "Help! There's a mouse." as you point to the computer's mouse. 16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!" 18. Turn the brightness on the monitor way down. Pull out a flash light and shine it on the screen. Act as if it helps you see the text on the screen. 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a (wo)man on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that (wo)men are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about theaesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known each other all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week." 50. Bring a sleeping bag and pillow. Login to all the machines in one row. Lay down and go to sleep.
83 Things College Viewbooks Donšt tell You:
1. Be creative in the dining hall. 2. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket. 3. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night. 4. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos 5. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries. 6. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.) 7. Showers become less important. 8. Sleep becomes more important. 9. Two meals a day are standard. One for some! 10. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas. ...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them..."). 11. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker). 12. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes. 13. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class? 14. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated. 15. Squirt guns=stress relief. 16. E-mail becomes your second language. 17. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies. 18. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend. 19. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you. 20. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have. 21. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before. 22. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that. 23. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush. 24. Frisbee becomes a contact sport. 25. Care packages rank up there with birthdays. 26. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew. 27. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered. 28. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room. 29. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not! 30. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow. 31. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace. 32. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions. 33. Any game can be made into a drinking game. 34. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it. 35. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible. 36. Cereal makes a meal any time of day. 37. ATMs are the devil's advocate. 38. You almost forget how to drive. 39. You'll drink anything if it's free.. 40. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced. 41. You get really good with excuses for skipping class. 42. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down. 43. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance. 44. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before. 45. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study. 46. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before. 47. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies. 48. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring. 49. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore. 50. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties... 51. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria. 52. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now. 53. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes. 54. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not). 55. Procrastination becomes an art. 56. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12). 57. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty. 58. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days. 59. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare. 60. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat. 61. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average. 62. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes. 63. Classes: the later the better. 64. The cute girls actually talk to you now. 65. Care packages make it all worthwhile. 66. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home. 67. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding. 68. You just don't learn last names. 69. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof. 70. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class. 71. Card games never lasted for hours before. 72. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it. 73. Boys will dance in college. 74. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home. 75. You are NEVER alone. 76. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds. 77. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house. 78. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies. 79. You never realized how quiet your house was. 80. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them. 81. Printers only break down when you desperately need them. 82. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them. 83. Your life will never be the same again.
64 Ways to Piss off Cops
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 5. Touch him. 6. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 7. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 8. Refer to him by his first name. 9. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 10. When he says no, cry. 11. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 12. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 13. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 14. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 15. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 16. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 17. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 18. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 19. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 20. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 21. Trip and fall into him. 22. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 23. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 24. Chew on the pen, nervously. 25. Clean your ear with the pen. 26. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 27. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... 28. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 29. Act like you are retarded. 30. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 31. Or mumble to yourself. 32. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 33. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... 34. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.. 35. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 36. Ask if he watches Cops. 37. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 38. Giggle if he did. 39. Talk to your hand. 40. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 41. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 42. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 43. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 44. Try to sell him your car. 45. Ask if you can buy his car. 46. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 47. Play with the siren. 48. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 49. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. 50. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner. 51. Ask if he ever had pu-tang. 52. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 53. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 54. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 55. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 56. Turn your head and whistle. 57. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 58. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 59. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 60. Ask if you can see his gun. 61. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 62. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 63. Tell him you like men in uniform. 64. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.



I thought that this went well with jokes so I put it up here to keep your ears just as busy as your eyes.