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This is what my original jokes page looked like. Enjoy!


QUIPS & QUOTES

 We having nothing to fear but fear itself.  That, and maybe getting 
mugged by someone wearing a "No Fear" T-shirt.  --Lev L. Spiro 

 I'll bet one of the first Ruminations and Ponderances was, "I wonder 
what would happen if the next time I saw lightning strike, I ran over to 
where the fire starts and threw some meat on it?"  --Ed Smith 

 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) -- Take the high road, look for the good 
things, carry the American Express card and a weapon.  The world is 
yours today, as nobody else wants it.  Your mortgage will be 
foreclosed.  You will probably get run over by a bus. 

 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 
any worse. 

 You may be recognized soon.  Hide. 

 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing 
golf with his boss. 

 A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

 If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 
harder.  --Pope John Paul I 

 That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all. 

 Watson's Law:  The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to 
the number and significance of any persons watching it. 

 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.  --Dykstra 

 O give me a home, 
 Where the buffalo roam, 
 Where the deer and the antelope play, 
 Where seldom is heard 
 A discouraging word, 
 'Cause what can an antelope say? 

 There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 
suitable application of high explosives. 
 
 Parkinson's Fourth Law:  The number of people in any working group tends 
to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. 

 You'll never be the man your mother was! 

 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts:  "Of course it is 
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 
talked about.  --Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" (Robert Heinlein) 

 Drive defensively.  Buy a tank. 

 Actor:  So what do you do for a living? 
Doris:  I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 
dishes for Chinese restaurants.  --Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 

 The computing field is always in need of new clichés.  --Alan Perlis 

 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 

 Commitment, n.:  Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and 
eggs.  The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 

 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 

 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 
pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 
--Elizabeth Taylor 

 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.  --Time Bandits 

 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 

 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 
people.  --W.C. Fields 

 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:  I looked into 
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.  --Woody Allen 

 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.  --Ambrose 
Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 

 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 
important thing to people.  --Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 

 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 
expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete 
than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to 
reduce the time it takes. 

 SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 

 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 

 She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.  --Mark 
Twain 

 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 

 Grelb's Reminder:  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to 
be above average drivers. 

 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center 
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week, 
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.  --Andy Rooney 

 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 

 Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 

 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.  --Abbie 
Hoffman 

 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.  Velocity, 
for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 

 God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and 
then pulled an all-nighter. 

 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 
--Dorothy Parker 

 Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target 
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.

 If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it 
considered a hostage situation? 

 Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 

 Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 
 
 Why do they report power outages on TV? 

 What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an 
endangered plant? 

 Is it possible to be totally partial? 

 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

 Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk? 

 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will 
clean them? 

 If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless? 

 Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 If a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, then who will notify the next of kindling? 

 A wise old man once said that humor is to life what shock absorbers are to an automobile 

 How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are? 

 If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"? 

 Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film. 

 Save the whales.  Collect the whole set. 

 A day without sunshine is like, night. 

 On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

 Back up my hard drive?  How do I put it in reverse? 

 I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory. 

 When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 

 Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 

 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 

 I  feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 

 He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. 

 She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. 
 You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 
 
 I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. 

 Honk if you love peace and quiet. 

 Pardon my driving, I am reloading. 

 Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 

 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 

 Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

 He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 

 "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." 
 -John Andrew Holmes


 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train
station is where a train stops. On my desk I have
a work station...

 Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

 If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it
Fed UP?

 Does fuzzy logic tickle?

 If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they
charge it with battery?

 I believe five out of four people have trouble with
fractions.

 How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

 How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

 I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

 If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is),
then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

 If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what
fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

 Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

 I believe the only time the world beats a path to
my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

 Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

 What hair color do they put on the driver's
licenses of bald men?

 What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

THE WAY THINGS WORK :

 When looking through binoculars, you will always see everything 
through a figure eight shape. 

 When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will 
never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 

 A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause amnesia. 

 Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price 
range of most people - whether they are employed or not. 

 Restaurant bills will always be 15% less than the amount you are 
holding in your hand. 

 Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to 
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few 
seconds. 
 
 A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 

 It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are 
visiting. 

 No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic 
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. 

 Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure 
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 

 Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage 
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions. 

 You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 

 Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - 
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped 
inside. 

 In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the 
end-of-class bell. 

 Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three 
days before their retirement. 

 Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you 
personally at that precise moment. 

 Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets just throw 
the gun away.  You can always buy a new one.


I thought that this went well with jokes so I put it up here to keep your ears just as busy as your eyes.