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This is my joke page containing stories. I hope you enjoy them.


Stories

Watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready -" "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake to the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Rollerbladeing
A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra shorts, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser. So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, he rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. He leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and he hears... "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."
Jerk
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is a repair man with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. Sometime later.... An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk a1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!", but I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.. " He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk a2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two jerks kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news. If better is possible, good is not enough. MEMORANDUM TO: All Employees FROM: Management SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from all employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously, you will have to go EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted they don't have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you maybe interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). This who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to the DIRECTOR INTERDEPARTMENTAL PROGRAMS (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Thank you. BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
True Story: (If anyone finds this joke offensive please email me with Armstrong
in the subject line.) When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, they found that there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just three years ago (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL), while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex? You want Oral Sex!!!??? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

The Drunken Priest
A young man was just hired as a priest for a church. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor. Next time, sip rather than gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples not 10. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass. We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys." Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T." The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!" Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the Cherry."



I thought that this went well with jokes so I put it up here to keep your ears just as busy as your eyes.